A week ago, I had an awesome conversation with my old team director and part of the conversation had to do with tearing down walls and letting Jesus come in and fix stuff that maybe I wanted to keep broken. Lo and behold, a week later I had a pretty big wall torn down. And while tearing down these walls may never be fun, it is always beneficial, and this morning was no different.
Rewind, a little bit. This weekend was awesome. I had two amazing Skype dates with the girlfriend and spent all day Sunday watching football with a couple of the students that are involved with BearCatholic. And really for the first time, I got to spend a good amount of quality time with some of these guys and not have to talk about work, or Bible studies, or anything, but just talk about life and truly live life with these guys. I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in building these men up that I forget that they like football. I forget that they like having breakfast at 1 in the afternoon. I forget that FOCUS is not the end, but merely just another piece in the lives of these men.
And the biggest grace, which actually brought me to tears in prayer and during my team check in, was this: I miss my girlfriend. I know it sounds weird, especially if you know the situation. We are nearly 700 miles and a time zone apart, and yet now, 3 months into the move, am finally missing her. Well here is the thing: I wasn't letting myself miss her. I put up this wall to be tough and strong through all of this because I knew she was missing me and had to be strong for her. And this morning, I realized something. That's a bunch of bullshit. Why can't I miss her too? Why do I have to be satisfied with 8 weeks apart and not seeing her? Why do I have to be content with 3 phone calls a week and hardly any other time in between? I don't and I won't. I want and need more, and that's okay. In fact that's great.
I know I am on a mission. I have been on this mission with FOCUS for nearly a year and a half. It started in Omaha, NE and will finish in Greeley, CO. I have learned so much about evangelization and the Church, but more importantly, I've learned a ton about myself. I went through a dating fast that tested me in ways I never expected, but came out of it, knowing that my vocation was to be a husband and father, and now I have the awesome opportunity of pursuing that. It's hard. Sometimes I look at other couples at mass or just on campus, and think to myself, "Wow, those two have no idea how lucky they are." And it's true. Sometimes I get a little jealous. Is that a bad thing? Maybe. All I know is that I am pursuing my vocation and at times, not doing a very good job of it.
In FOCUS, we talk all the time about vocations, and that's what our business is; helping students figure out what they're called to and following it with passion. So why can't I do the same? I know my vocation. I think I have the right girl. So why can't I chase after it with all I've got? I am going to stop playing everything off as if it's okay. I send a weekly email to my mission partners with nothing but cheery smiles and happiness. I send out newsletters with the same stuff. When my parents ask how things are going, it's always great. That's a lie. Things aren't always great. Our ministry is struggling. We are having a hard time getting more guys involved, which is a problem since we have a lot graduating this year. We struggle getting people to events. And most importantly, the girl that I am choosing to love with all my heart isn't getting what she deserves.
So from this day forward, I'm making a resolution. First, I am going to bust my ass doing everything I can for the mission, for the kingdom, and for UNC. I get paid to be here and work for God. I get to be His hands and feet and that is something that I cannot and will not take for granted. But secondly, and most importantly, I'm focusing on me. I will still strive to get my 50 point week filled, and still try and reach as many students as possible. But if I'm having a bad day, or really miss Courtney, I'm making that my first priority. I know and have learned throughout these last 3 months that when that relationship is lacking, my mission lacks. My head just isn't in it. The pursuit of my vocation takes priority over the mission, and that's the way it should be. We are all called to holiness, and to find that through the big V, and currently, I am not doing that as best as I can.
Vulnerable. That is being vulnerable. Putting myself and my thoughts and desires out there for others to read. And I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but rejoicing in the gift that God gave me this morning in that grace. I get to rejoice in my lowliness and praise God for a gift I didn't earn or even deserve. And like I said, this blog is for me. If you read this and it helped you...great. That makes me happy. If you read it, and didn't take anything from it...great. I thank you for reading. I thank you for sharing in my vulnerability. And the last thing I want to say, is that this post may seem sad or depressing, but I assure you that it is not. I rejoice in this fact because now I get to work on it. Jesus has placed another challenge in life, and the best part of realizing this is that now I get to start working to do better. That's what we all really live for. We find the bumps and get over them. We find the rough patches and smooth them out. And by the grace of God, we get better. We move forward. We grow in holiness. Isn't that what all of this is about anyway???
In Christ,
Josh
P.S. Courtney, if you're reading this, I love you and miss you very much. 4 more weeks!
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