Tearing Down Walls

Ever since I began this blog, it has always been for me.  I don't spend time in prayer journaling, so this is my opportunity to get things out that I tend to hold in, or just speak to what's on my mind.  I know some of you look forward to it, and read it pretty often and for that I thank you.  It's so awesome that my thoughts and words can be even the least bit inspirational to one person.  It really means a ton.  However, like I said before, this is for me, and that's why today, I'm getting a little bit vulnerable.

A week ago, I had an awesome conversation with my old team director and part of the conversation had to do with tearing down walls and letting Jesus come in and fix stuff that maybe I wanted to keep broken.  Lo and behold, a week later I had a pretty big wall torn down.  And while tearing down these walls may never be fun, it is always beneficial, and this morning was no different.

Rewind, a little bit.  This weekend was awesome.  I had two amazing Skype dates with the girlfriend and spent all day Sunday watching football with a couple of the students that are involved with BearCatholic.  And really for the first time, I got to spend a good amount of quality time with some of these guys and not have to talk about work, or Bible studies, or anything, but just talk about life and truly live life with these guys.  I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in building these men up that I forget that they like football.  I forget that they like having breakfast at 1 in the afternoon.  I forget that FOCUS is not the end, but merely just another piece in the lives of these men.

And the biggest grace, which actually brought me to tears in prayer and during my team check in, was this: I miss my girlfriend.  I know it sounds weird, especially if you know the situation.  We are nearly 700 miles and a time zone apart, and yet now, 3 months into the move, am finally missing her.  Well here is the thing: I wasn't letting myself miss her.  I put up this wall to be tough and strong through all of this because I knew she was missing me and had to be strong for her.  And this morning, I realized something.  That's a bunch of bullshit.  Why can't I miss her too?  Why do I have to be satisfied with 8 weeks apart and not seeing her?  Why do I have to be content with 3 phone calls a week and hardly any other time in between?  I don't and I won't.  I want and need more, and that's okay.  In fact that's great.

I know I am on a mission.  I have been on this mission with FOCUS for nearly a year and a half.  It started in Omaha, NE and will finish in Greeley, CO.  I have learned so much about evangelization and the Church, but more importantly, I've learned a ton about myself.  I went through a dating fast that tested me in ways I never expected, but came out of it, knowing that my vocation was to be a husband and father, and now I have the awesome opportunity of pursuing that.  It's hard.  Sometimes I look at other couples at mass or just on campus, and think to myself, "Wow, those two have no idea how lucky they are."  And it's true. Sometimes I get a little jealous.  Is that a bad thing?  Maybe.  All I know is that I am pursuing my vocation and at times, not doing a very good job of it.

In FOCUS, we talk all the time about vocations, and that's what our business is; helping students figure out what they're called to and following it with passion.  So why can't I do the same?  I know my vocation.  I think I have the right girl.  So why can't I chase after it with all I've got?  I am going to stop playing everything off as if it's okay.  I send a weekly email to my mission partners with nothing but cheery smiles and happiness.  I send out newsletters with the same stuff.  When my parents ask how things are going, it's always great.  That's a lie.  Things aren't always great. Our ministry is struggling.  We are having a hard time getting more guys involved, which is a problem since we have a lot graduating this year.  We struggle getting people to events.  And most importantly, the girl that I am choosing to love with all my heart isn't getting what she deserves.

So from this day forward, I'm making a resolution.  First, I am going to bust my ass doing everything I can for the mission, for the kingdom, and for UNC. I get paid to be here and work for God. I get to be His hands and feet and that is something that I cannot and will not take for granted.  But secondly, and most importantly, I'm focusing on me.  I will still strive to get my 50 point week filled, and still try and reach as many students as possible.  But if I'm having a bad day, or really miss Courtney, I'm making that my first priority.  I know and have learned throughout these last 3 months that when that relationship is lacking, my mission lacks.  My head just isn't in it. The pursuit of my vocation takes priority over the mission, and that's the way it should be.  We are all called to holiness, and to find that through the big V, and currently, I am not doing that as best as I can.

Vulnerable.  That is being vulnerable.  Putting myself and my thoughts and desires out there for others to read.  And I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but rejoicing in the gift that God gave me this morning in that grace.  I get to rejoice in my lowliness and praise God for a gift I didn't earn or even deserve.  And like I said, this blog is for me.  If you read this and it helped you...great.  That makes me happy.  If you read it, and didn't take anything from it...great.  I thank you for reading.  I thank you for sharing in my vulnerability.  And the last thing I want to say, is that this post may seem sad or depressing, but I assure you that it is not.  I rejoice in this fact because now I get to work on it. Jesus has placed another challenge in life, and the best part of realizing this is that now I get to start working to do better.  That's what we all really live for.  We find the bumps and get over them.  We find the rough patches and smooth them out.  And by the grace of God, we get better.  We move forward.  We grow in holiness.  Isn't that what all of this is about anyway???

In Christ,

Josh

P.S. Courtney, if you're reading this, I love you and miss you very much. 4 more weeks!

Writer's Block in the Chapel

Writer's Block.  I have it right now...badly.  I try my best to keep this blog up to date and make sure that I post every week.  It's actually one of my goals for the semester.  Lofty I know.  But as I sit here, thinking about what I want to write, and not getting anything, it reminds me of something...my prayer life.  For the last few weeks, it feels as if I have had writer's block in prayer.  And after Father's homily last night, I think I may know why.

In prayer, it gets so easy to see God as the 911 number.  And what I mean by this, is that we only go to Him when we need something.  We see God as someone that only answers prayers when we really need Him, and then we just go away.  And when the prayer doesn't get answered in the timely fashion we desire, we get upset, or start to lose a little bit of faith.  And slowly, that will actually destroy our relationship with God.

So what happens when we ask for something?  God can either say yes, say no, or wait.  So say you ask for God to give you a door for a new contact on your mission; you know someone to chat up and talk to about the faith.  And hours later, that happens.  Great!  Now don't stop there.  Go thank Him for the gift and give Him the praise that he so deserves for opening that door.

What if God says no.  I will use the same analogy Father used last night at mass.  Say you're back in your grade school days and you get home from school and you want a snack.  You call to your mom, "Hey mom, get me a snack!"  A half hour goes by...nothing.  You call to her again.  "Hey mom, get me a snack."  Another half hour goes by...nothing.  You now realize that your mom has denied your request.  But the thing is, it wasn't even a request.  It was a demand.  Just like your mother, God won't answer a command.  You need to make an ask, and even then, God may say no.  But why would He say no?  He loves you with all He has right?

Exactly.  God loves you more than your mother, your father, or even your significant other.  And with that being said, God knows what you need and don't need better than any of them and definitely better than yourself.  So what you may be asking for is not what God desires.  It may not be the best thing for you right now.  And when that happens, you have to evaluate what you are asking for, and ask God what He wants for you.  And if He gives you the grace to know what that is, then the next step is to ask for that, and God will certainly answer your prayer.

The last response that God can give you is silence.  This may be a tricky one.  You're asking for something and you feel as if you really need it, but you are just not hearing anything back.  God may be speaking but you may be too far away to hear it.  God desires so much more from you than just to answer your prayers.  He desires a relationship. There may be things you need and God wants to give them to you.  However, if you aren't close enough to Him, you won't hear Him.

That may sound like a terrible thing.  "Oh no, I am so far from God that I can't hear Him.  What am I going to do?!?!"  The answer to that question is to keep praying.  Because while you may be too far from God, I can assure you that He is never too far away from you.  You may have walls up that keep you from God, but God can see right through all those walls and directly into your heart.  Keep praying.  Keep asking God to show you exactly what walls need to be torn down, and then ask for the help to actually tear them down.  It won't be easy and it will take time, but it will bear fruit and you will draw closer to God.

I type this out so I can remember this myself.  I have my walls, and at times I am way too stubborn to ask God to help me tear them down.  I need to remind myself at times (and really all the time) that I can't do it by myself.  If I desire to truly draw closer to God, I have to put my pride in my pocket, and make the effort to ask Him for the help that I so desperately need.  So, if this helped you at all in any way, I would love to hear about it and help you in your own prayer.  I'm not perfect so I ask you to also pray for me.  Who knows? Maybe you'll ask for the one thing that I'm not, but the one thing that I really need.

In Christ,

Josh

Kid 'n' Play

Kid 'n' Play was a hip hop duo in the late 80's and early 90's best know for their killer beats and of course the high flat top fade that was worn by one of the members.  But this post isn't about that.  Sorry to all fans of Kid 'n' Play.  Are there still any left out there???  Anyway, today I will be talking about the childlike faith that is needed to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

I was praying today with the Gospel, Matthew 18: 1-5,10, and it dawned on me that for the most part, I don't fit the description.  Jesus talks about having a childlike faith.  What does this mean?  Well, let's put it in a more human tone.  Little kids, when dad leaves home for work or wherever, are right there to wish him a good day and to show love.  It's the same when they get back.  So, how does this apply to the church?  Ask a 40 year old and a 4 year old what the Eucharist is.  You may get the same response, "it's Jesus."  But then ask them how.  How does that happen?  From the 40 year old, you get this, "Well through transubstantiation, Jesus comes down from Heaven and...well you know the rest."  From the 4 year old, here is what you get. "Jesus flies down from Heaven on his magic carpet, and because He loves us so much he shrinks himself down so much that he fits in a tiny piece of bread.  Then we get to eat it!"  Yeah, which one sounds better?  The 4 year old of course!

But why is that?  The difference between the 4 year old and the 40 year old is that the 40 year old believes while the 4 year old knows.  There really is a big difference in the two.  When you only believe in something, there is the possibility for doubt to creep in.  You start thinking to yourself if it is really true and then you start second guessing yourself and the church. But when you know, there is no room for doubt.  Another example: say you're in math class and taking a test.  If you only believe you know the answer, you have that feeling of whether your answer is right or wrong.  And that confusion may lead you to put down the wrong answer, even if in your heart, you thought your first answer was correct (trust me I've done this many times).  But if you know the right answer, then you will have no chance of putting down the wrong answer.  You will be absolutely certain that you are correct.

We have to be the same way with our faith.  So often, we hear something at mass or in a Bible study and think to ourselves, "is that really true?"  We struggle with taking things at face value.  We know that we are hearing truth, but as we get older we learn more and more, and we let that knowledge get in the way of true love for Jesus and his church.  Kids on the other hand, do not have the knowledge that we have as adults and when they hear something from a teacher or adult that they trust, they take it as face value.  They don't have anything else to get in the way.  And that is beautiful.

Be a kid.  In today's world we get so caught up in growing up that we forget to live in the present and we don't take the time to really appreciate what Jesus has and continues to give us.  We are constantly searching for the next thing, whether it be school or job or home or spouse, and we forget the one thing that stays constant and unchanging: Jesus.  Run to him like a child to his father and know that you are loved.

In Christ,
Josh

[Also, major thanks to all that have viewed or read this blog.  It's something that I do entirely for me, because I hate journaling and actually writing on paper, but the fact that you guys follow it and read it is really humbling.  Last week I had the most views on any post by far, and to see that was incredible.  So big thanks to you guys, and if you ever want me to write on a particular topic, please comment or let me know and I would be happy to give it my best.  Thanks again!!!]