I am Pleased with You, My Child

So yesterday was not a great day.  I got home from a two day training session in Denver that was less than relaxing only to know that I had 2 hours to prep for a Bible study and to make fundraising phone calls.  The calls actually went well.  I made a few more bucks and I got prepped for study (which I was super excited for).  Then the first of two studies that night got cancelled.  Great.  Then I go to the study I lead only to have 2 people show up, 1 of them being super late, when expecting 7.  I left there completely heart-broken and crushed.  I had put all this work into growing this study only to have to cancel.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep much last night.  I made a 11:30 PM run to the chapel to get all my frustrations out just wondering what more I could do, and searching for what more I could give.  I was up all night tossing and turning, racking my brain for the best way to get to these guys without completely killing myself.  I finally did fall asleep around 1, and when I woke up this morning, I still felt totally empty inside, like I had failed so badly to a point where I would never be able to get back up.

Then Jesus played the Jesus card and totally blew me away.  I shouldn't be surprised right?  I mean, Jesus is Jesus.  He can do whatever he wants.  Yeah, that had slipped my mind in the last 12 hours.  For the longest time, trusting in God has always been a roller coaster ride for me.  Some days, weeks, and months are great, but others aren't.  And while, for the most part, I can always look to God to take care of things, I never expected what he was going to do for me this morning.  One of my mission partners gave me this book.  Some of you may have it.  It's called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  It's a 365 day devotional with a paragraph or two each day to help you have a conversation with God.  Here is the entry from today, November 20th...

"I am pleased with you, my child.  Allow yourself to become fully aware of My pleasure shining upon you.  You don't have to perform well in order to receive My Love.  In fact, a performance focus will put you away from Me, toward some sort of Pharisaism.  This can be a subtle form of idolatry: worshiping your own good works.  It can also be a source of deep discouragement when your works don't measure up to your expectations.  Shift your focus from your performance to My radiant Presence.  The Light of My Love shines on you continually, regardless of your feelings or behavior.  Your responsibility is to be receptive to this unconditional Love.  Thankfulness and trust are your primary receptors.  Thank Me for everything; trusting in Me at all times.  These simple disciplines will keep you open to my loving Presence."

Woof.  I was on the verge of the tears after the first sentence.  I stopped and thought back to a time last year when I was feeling the same way, and Jesus gave me Matthew 3:17 to ponder over. Check it out.  It's pretty good.  But this reflection totally changed my day.  The Holy Spirit put it on my heart to try again with the study.  I sent a text to all my guys telling them that we were going to try again tonight, and the response has been great.

So what's the point of this?  The point is that Jesus is always going to take care of you.  He doesn't care how big your discipleship chain is.  He doesn't care how many people are in your Bible study.  He cares about you and He knows that you're trying.  Jesus knows you are working your tail off trying to reach these men women and when a student chooses something else over study, He sees that.  He loves you anyway and He is so proud of you for working as hard as you can.  Your worth is not in numbers.  Your worth is not in your successes.  Your worth comes from being a son or daughter of God.  Don't forget that.  Jesus certainly doesn't.

In Christ,

Josh

Retreat Weekend

Retreats.  I have a very love/hate relationship with them.  I hate them leading up to the actual weekend, and then when I leave, I am on a high that I haven't experienced since the last retreat that I attended.  Lo and behold it happened again last weekend, and I think this retreat is the beginning of a change in attitude.

Bear Awakening.  UNC holds this retreat once a semester, and was originally slated for early October, but the Colorado floods forced us to postpone it until November.  To be honest, I did not want to staff this retreat.  I was bitter leading up to it, and when it got postponed, I was even more upset with the fact that I didn't get a chance to get it out of the way.  A ton of prep work and time out of an already busy schedule did not make for a happy Josh.

Then the weekend came.  And it was awesome.  I had never been on a retreat like this in all my life, and I was blown away.  The retreat, nicknamed BA, was student led all the way from the coordinators to the staffers.  The students gave the talks.  The students led discussions. The students did skits.  The students prayed their tails off.  I was incredibly impressed (shout out here to Jackson and Katie for coordinating this whole thing).

So why was I so blown away and why is my attitude changing?  One word: God.  God was so present over the weekend and the Holy Spirit, in particular, was dropping some major grace bombs throughout the weekend.  It started off poorly with retreaters getting lost and showing up late to the vast empty space of Wyoming, and some of the guys at my table just did not want to be there and that was very obvious. One guy was super pissed at God and another was just mad at everything.  The other guys in my group...just wouldn't talk.

Then Saturday came.  The men started to open up and share their lives with the rest of the table, and the emotions started pouring out.  Tears during talks.  Great discussions with the table.  Then it was time for adoration.  Jesus up there on the altar just pouring out His love for all of us there was incredible.  Watching people cry their eyes out not just in sadness, but in happiness as they rejoiced at the outpouring of love from God and their brothers and sisters with them.  The emotional roller coaster had started and was not ending any time soon.

Sunday was a continuation of the graces.  Jesus was loving on all of us so much and everyone was just so thankful for the time they spent and the sacrifices made to make the weekend amazing.  The retreat was a major success. But why was it so good for me? I wasn't actually on the retreat, just staffing.  I had already heard the talks and knew the questions to ask.  I knew what was coming and there were no surprises.

This is why it was awesome.  I got to spend my time just loving on my brothers.  The five guys in my family needed to be loved and I did that.  I can remember going into adoration trying to pray for some of the things on my mind, but it was very apparent to me that I needed to be spending my time doing something else: praying for my brothers and sisters. I spent the next hour and a half praying over the guys in my family, my teammates, and some of the guys I see on a daily basis.  I cried. They cried.  Amazing.

Retreats.  I'm beginning to love them.  It's a large sacrifice to make, especially when you are working on one, but the reward is so great.  I saw Jesus work through these students in ways that I never expected, and once again, He blew me away.  So my one word of advice if you are reading this is to go on a retreat.  It may be a sacrifice and it may be tough to make it work, but it will be so rewarding if you open your heart to Jesus.  Go.  You won't regret it.

In Christ,

Josh

Getting Distract...Wait What's That Over There???

It's 2013.  Distractions are everywhere.  It could be the latest new phone or tablet, music, sports, or the policies of a president that doesn't know his head from his ass (This reminds me of the scene from "A League of Their Own" when Tom Hanks is chewing out a player in the dugout and asks her where her head is, and then he answers his own question with "It's that lump that's three feet above your ass!"  Makes me laugh every time.  Ah good times).  Anyway, there are a lot of things that can grab our attention and take us away from, or dare I say it, lead us closer to God.  That may seem strange but let me explain.

So first, let's talk about how we let distractions get in our way.  There are millions of things going on around us at all times.  We have jobs, school, families, entertainment, politics, and a bunch of other things that vie for our attention.  And none of these things are in and of themselves bad.  You want to watch a movie or read the paper...great.  But it's when we let these things take away from our prayer and our duties as Christians that hurt us.  If we are not spending quality and quantity time in prayer, and let these other things dictate how we spend our time, then we are doing a disservice to God and to our relationship with Him.

But you know this.  Anybody that has ever tried to put in a holy hour knows all about distractions and the difficulties of  focusing on prayer.  Let's talk about what to do with those distractions.  The first is a distraction that is not of God.  So say you're praying with Scripture and focusing in on the sermon on the mount and all of the sudden you start thinking about lunch in an hour or have this vivid vision of the Stay Puft marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.  Yeah, probably not from God.  What you have to do at this point is ask God for the grace to take away the distraction so that you can turn your attention back to the passage and refocus on prayer.

But what about other distractions?  For example, I was reading this reflection this morning and it had to do with remaining in the presence of God throughout the week and trusting in Him to navigate everything that is going on.  Great!  However, I could not take my mind off Courtney.  See, we are starting to heavily discern our vocations and seeing if we are in the right place for the long haul, and when to get the ball rolling on an engagement and everything else that is involved (WOOF!!!). I had already spent some time praying on this earlier, but it just kept coming up and I was being "distracted."

This is what we call a good distraction.  God was placing this huge thing on my mind for a reason.  I tried fighting it off time and time again, but it kept popping up.  I have been told before that if something comes into your head three times during a holy hour, God probably wants you to pray on it.  In this case, Jesus was seeking out the greater good.  Yes, praying about staying in His presence is great, but Jesus wanted me to focus my attention on another thing, and that was this discernment process. This is just another example of the greatness of God.  I was trying to pray and focus on the relationship with Him, and He would rather have me thinking about Courtney and our relationship so that I could even more give it back to Him.  What a guy!

So to sum up, distractions are everywhere.  Some are good (discerning a vocation) and some are bad (worrying about the incompetence of our lousy president).  The trick is making sure you can distinguish between the two, and then following the greater good.  And don't get discouraged when you feel distracted and find it difficult to focus.  Jesus is allowing this to build you up.  If you can get over this hurdle, then Jesus will trust you with more and that's a great thing.  Trust that God knows what He is doing because you know...He's God.

In Christ,

Josh

Tearing Down Walls

Ever since I began this blog, it has always been for me.  I don't spend time in prayer journaling, so this is my opportunity to get things out that I tend to hold in, or just speak to what's on my mind.  I know some of you look forward to it, and read it pretty often and for that I thank you.  It's so awesome that my thoughts and words can be even the least bit inspirational to one person.  It really means a ton.  However, like I said before, this is for me, and that's why today, I'm getting a little bit vulnerable.

A week ago, I had an awesome conversation with my old team director and part of the conversation had to do with tearing down walls and letting Jesus come in and fix stuff that maybe I wanted to keep broken.  Lo and behold, a week later I had a pretty big wall torn down.  And while tearing down these walls may never be fun, it is always beneficial, and this morning was no different.

Rewind, a little bit.  This weekend was awesome.  I had two amazing Skype dates with the girlfriend and spent all day Sunday watching football with a couple of the students that are involved with BearCatholic.  And really for the first time, I got to spend a good amount of quality time with some of these guys and not have to talk about work, or Bible studies, or anything, but just talk about life and truly live life with these guys.  I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in building these men up that I forget that they like football.  I forget that they like having breakfast at 1 in the afternoon.  I forget that FOCUS is not the end, but merely just another piece in the lives of these men.

And the biggest grace, which actually brought me to tears in prayer and during my team check in, was this: I miss my girlfriend.  I know it sounds weird, especially if you know the situation.  We are nearly 700 miles and a time zone apart, and yet now, 3 months into the move, am finally missing her.  Well here is the thing: I wasn't letting myself miss her.  I put up this wall to be tough and strong through all of this because I knew she was missing me and had to be strong for her.  And this morning, I realized something.  That's a bunch of bullshit.  Why can't I miss her too?  Why do I have to be satisfied with 8 weeks apart and not seeing her?  Why do I have to be content with 3 phone calls a week and hardly any other time in between?  I don't and I won't.  I want and need more, and that's okay.  In fact that's great.

I know I am on a mission.  I have been on this mission with FOCUS for nearly a year and a half.  It started in Omaha, NE and will finish in Greeley, CO.  I have learned so much about evangelization and the Church, but more importantly, I've learned a ton about myself.  I went through a dating fast that tested me in ways I never expected, but came out of it, knowing that my vocation was to be a husband and father, and now I have the awesome opportunity of pursuing that.  It's hard.  Sometimes I look at other couples at mass or just on campus, and think to myself, "Wow, those two have no idea how lucky they are."  And it's true. Sometimes I get a little jealous.  Is that a bad thing?  Maybe.  All I know is that I am pursuing my vocation and at times, not doing a very good job of it.

In FOCUS, we talk all the time about vocations, and that's what our business is; helping students figure out what they're called to and following it with passion.  So why can't I do the same?  I know my vocation.  I think I have the right girl.  So why can't I chase after it with all I've got?  I am going to stop playing everything off as if it's okay.  I send a weekly email to my mission partners with nothing but cheery smiles and happiness.  I send out newsletters with the same stuff.  When my parents ask how things are going, it's always great.  That's a lie.  Things aren't always great. Our ministry is struggling.  We are having a hard time getting more guys involved, which is a problem since we have a lot graduating this year.  We struggle getting people to events.  And most importantly, the girl that I am choosing to love with all my heart isn't getting what she deserves.

So from this day forward, I'm making a resolution.  First, I am going to bust my ass doing everything I can for the mission, for the kingdom, and for UNC. I get paid to be here and work for God. I get to be His hands and feet and that is something that I cannot and will not take for granted.  But secondly, and most importantly, I'm focusing on me.  I will still strive to get my 50 point week filled, and still try and reach as many students as possible.  But if I'm having a bad day, or really miss Courtney, I'm making that my first priority.  I know and have learned throughout these last 3 months that when that relationship is lacking, my mission lacks.  My head just isn't in it. The pursuit of my vocation takes priority over the mission, and that's the way it should be.  We are all called to holiness, and to find that through the big V, and currently, I am not doing that as best as I can.

Vulnerable.  That is being vulnerable.  Putting myself and my thoughts and desires out there for others to read.  And I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but rejoicing in the gift that God gave me this morning in that grace.  I get to rejoice in my lowliness and praise God for a gift I didn't earn or even deserve.  And like I said, this blog is for me.  If you read this and it helped you...great.  That makes me happy.  If you read it, and didn't take anything from it...great.  I thank you for reading.  I thank you for sharing in my vulnerability.  And the last thing I want to say, is that this post may seem sad or depressing, but I assure you that it is not.  I rejoice in this fact because now I get to work on it. Jesus has placed another challenge in life, and the best part of realizing this is that now I get to start working to do better.  That's what we all really live for.  We find the bumps and get over them.  We find the rough patches and smooth them out.  And by the grace of God, we get better.  We move forward.  We grow in holiness.  Isn't that what all of this is about anyway???

In Christ,

Josh

P.S. Courtney, if you're reading this, I love you and miss you very much. 4 more weeks!

Writer's Block in the Chapel

Writer's Block.  I have it right now...badly.  I try my best to keep this blog up to date and make sure that I post every week.  It's actually one of my goals for the semester.  Lofty I know.  But as I sit here, thinking about what I want to write, and not getting anything, it reminds me of something...my prayer life.  For the last few weeks, it feels as if I have had writer's block in prayer.  And after Father's homily last night, I think I may know why.

In prayer, it gets so easy to see God as the 911 number.  And what I mean by this, is that we only go to Him when we need something.  We see God as someone that only answers prayers when we really need Him, and then we just go away.  And when the prayer doesn't get answered in the timely fashion we desire, we get upset, or start to lose a little bit of faith.  And slowly, that will actually destroy our relationship with God.

So what happens when we ask for something?  God can either say yes, say no, or wait.  So say you ask for God to give you a door for a new contact on your mission; you know someone to chat up and talk to about the faith.  And hours later, that happens.  Great!  Now don't stop there.  Go thank Him for the gift and give Him the praise that he so deserves for opening that door.

What if God says no.  I will use the same analogy Father used last night at mass.  Say you're back in your grade school days and you get home from school and you want a snack.  You call to your mom, "Hey mom, get me a snack!"  A half hour goes by...nothing.  You call to her again.  "Hey mom, get me a snack."  Another half hour goes by...nothing.  You now realize that your mom has denied your request.  But the thing is, it wasn't even a request.  It was a demand.  Just like your mother, God won't answer a command.  You need to make an ask, and even then, God may say no.  But why would He say no?  He loves you with all He has right?

Exactly.  God loves you more than your mother, your father, or even your significant other.  And with that being said, God knows what you need and don't need better than any of them and definitely better than yourself.  So what you may be asking for is not what God desires.  It may not be the best thing for you right now.  And when that happens, you have to evaluate what you are asking for, and ask God what He wants for you.  And if He gives you the grace to know what that is, then the next step is to ask for that, and God will certainly answer your prayer.

The last response that God can give you is silence.  This may be a tricky one.  You're asking for something and you feel as if you really need it, but you are just not hearing anything back.  God may be speaking but you may be too far away to hear it.  God desires so much more from you than just to answer your prayers.  He desires a relationship. There may be things you need and God wants to give them to you.  However, if you aren't close enough to Him, you won't hear Him.

That may sound like a terrible thing.  "Oh no, I am so far from God that I can't hear Him.  What am I going to do?!?!"  The answer to that question is to keep praying.  Because while you may be too far from God, I can assure you that He is never too far away from you.  You may have walls up that keep you from God, but God can see right through all those walls and directly into your heart.  Keep praying.  Keep asking God to show you exactly what walls need to be torn down, and then ask for the help to actually tear them down.  It won't be easy and it will take time, but it will bear fruit and you will draw closer to God.

I type this out so I can remember this myself.  I have my walls, and at times I am way too stubborn to ask God to help me tear them down.  I need to remind myself at times (and really all the time) that I can't do it by myself.  If I desire to truly draw closer to God, I have to put my pride in my pocket, and make the effort to ask Him for the help that I so desperately need.  So, if this helped you at all in any way, I would love to hear about it and help you in your own prayer.  I'm not perfect so I ask you to also pray for me.  Who knows? Maybe you'll ask for the one thing that I'm not, but the one thing that I really need.

In Christ,

Josh

Kid 'n' Play

Kid 'n' Play was a hip hop duo in the late 80's and early 90's best know for their killer beats and of course the high flat top fade that was worn by one of the members.  But this post isn't about that.  Sorry to all fans of Kid 'n' Play.  Are there still any left out there???  Anyway, today I will be talking about the childlike faith that is needed to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

I was praying today with the Gospel, Matthew 18: 1-5,10, and it dawned on me that for the most part, I don't fit the description.  Jesus talks about having a childlike faith.  What does this mean?  Well, let's put it in a more human tone.  Little kids, when dad leaves home for work or wherever, are right there to wish him a good day and to show love.  It's the same when they get back.  So, how does this apply to the church?  Ask a 40 year old and a 4 year old what the Eucharist is.  You may get the same response, "it's Jesus."  But then ask them how.  How does that happen?  From the 40 year old, you get this, "Well through transubstantiation, Jesus comes down from Heaven and...well you know the rest."  From the 4 year old, here is what you get. "Jesus flies down from Heaven on his magic carpet, and because He loves us so much he shrinks himself down so much that he fits in a tiny piece of bread.  Then we get to eat it!"  Yeah, which one sounds better?  The 4 year old of course!

But why is that?  The difference between the 4 year old and the 40 year old is that the 40 year old believes while the 4 year old knows.  There really is a big difference in the two.  When you only believe in something, there is the possibility for doubt to creep in.  You start thinking to yourself if it is really true and then you start second guessing yourself and the church. But when you know, there is no room for doubt.  Another example: say you're in math class and taking a test.  If you only believe you know the answer, you have that feeling of whether your answer is right or wrong.  And that confusion may lead you to put down the wrong answer, even if in your heart, you thought your first answer was correct (trust me I've done this many times).  But if you know the right answer, then you will have no chance of putting down the wrong answer.  You will be absolutely certain that you are correct.

We have to be the same way with our faith.  So often, we hear something at mass or in a Bible study and think to ourselves, "is that really true?"  We struggle with taking things at face value.  We know that we are hearing truth, but as we get older we learn more and more, and we let that knowledge get in the way of true love for Jesus and his church.  Kids on the other hand, do not have the knowledge that we have as adults and when they hear something from a teacher or adult that they trust, they take it as face value.  They don't have anything else to get in the way.  And that is beautiful.

Be a kid.  In today's world we get so caught up in growing up that we forget to live in the present and we don't take the time to really appreciate what Jesus has and continues to give us.  We are constantly searching for the next thing, whether it be school or job or home or spouse, and we forget the one thing that stays constant and unchanging: Jesus.  Run to him like a child to his father and know that you are loved.

In Christ,
Josh

[Also, major thanks to all that have viewed or read this blog.  It's something that I do entirely for me, because I hate journaling and actually writing on paper, but the fact that you guys follow it and read it is really humbling.  Last week I had the most views on any post by far, and to see that was incredible.  So big thanks to you guys, and if you ever want me to write on a particular topic, please comment or let me know and I would be happy to give it my best.  Thanks again!!!]

My First Month Failure

One month into the new school year.  Outreach is still in full swing.  The multiple events that were held are over, and now it's time to start building up these students. Let's get them into Bible studies and let's start filling them up with the love of Christ.  Great!  I had my first study last week and I was beyond excited.  I was finally getting to the part of my mission that I'm good at...the teaching aspect.  I was finally going to be able to take 5 guys under my wing and lead them to Christ.  Then Wednesday came and only one guy showed up...

WHY?

Here is why only one of my contacts came.  I wasn't being relational.  Out of the 25 names on my list, I had only met a couple of them, and even when I was contacting them, it wasn't to hang out or go play basketball or grab lunch.  I was making the calls and without ever really knowing these guys, I was already inviting them into study.  I was going straight to the BUILD stage without ever winning them over.  I was assuming that the students had already been won over by a game of ultimate frisbee or life-size Mario Kart (yeah that actually happened), but they weren't.  Those events were just the first steps.  The winning process takes time and is vital to any ministry.

THE KEY POINT

I don't know about girls, but with guys trust is a huge thing.  In a Bible study, the men are asked to open up and share their thoughts and ideas on not only a particular subject within scripture, but are also asked to open up about their own lives, their own shortcomings and failures, and that can be really tough for guys.  We have this idea that we have to be closed up and can't let our true feelings show in order to be manly, but that is just the opposite. We have to be willing to open up to our fellow men if we ever want to become the men God wants us to be.  However, that isn't something that just happens immediately.  Like I said, it's tough for guys to do that.  So what do we do?  We must be relational with these men.  Hang out with them.  If a guy wants to be a gym rat and work out all day, go do it.  If you have a guy that loves music and just wants to chill in the dorm listening to Kayne (or whatever kids listen to these days) do it!  It may not be something you enjoy doing, but that is how you build that trust. And it is no overnight process.  It will take time and a ton of patience, but for your ministry to be the most fruitful, patience is needed to gain that trust.

I learned this the hard way this year.  I tried to cut some corners and go to the build without the win.  It didn't work.  And to be real honest, I'm not surprised.  I know that I wouldn't go to a study with someone I didn't know, let alone somebody I've never even met. So, if you can learn something from my failure in the first month of the year, it's this: be relational.  The WIN is just as key as the build in the sense that if you don't win a particular student over, you won't get the chance to build him/her up.  Take time getting to know these students inside and out before you try and fill them with Jesus.  It can be uncomfortable and awkward, but isn't eternity worth the awkwardness?

In Christ,

Josh