Tearing Down Walls

Ever since I began this blog, it has always been for me.  I don't spend time in prayer journaling, so this is my opportunity to get things out that I tend to hold in, or just speak to what's on my mind.  I know some of you look forward to it, and read it pretty often and for that I thank you.  It's so awesome that my thoughts and words can be even the least bit inspirational to one person.  It really means a ton.  However, like I said before, this is for me, and that's why today, I'm getting a little bit vulnerable.

A week ago, I had an awesome conversation with my old team director and part of the conversation had to do with tearing down walls and letting Jesus come in and fix stuff that maybe I wanted to keep broken.  Lo and behold, a week later I had a pretty big wall torn down.  And while tearing down these walls may never be fun, it is always beneficial, and this morning was no different.

Rewind, a little bit.  This weekend was awesome.  I had two amazing Skype dates with the girlfriend and spent all day Sunday watching football with a couple of the students that are involved with BearCatholic.  And really for the first time, I got to spend a good amount of quality time with some of these guys and not have to talk about work, or Bible studies, or anything, but just talk about life and truly live life with these guys.  I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in building these men up that I forget that they like football.  I forget that they like having breakfast at 1 in the afternoon.  I forget that FOCUS is not the end, but merely just another piece in the lives of these men.

And the biggest grace, which actually brought me to tears in prayer and during my team check in, was this: I miss my girlfriend.  I know it sounds weird, especially if you know the situation.  We are nearly 700 miles and a time zone apart, and yet now, 3 months into the move, am finally missing her.  Well here is the thing: I wasn't letting myself miss her.  I put up this wall to be tough and strong through all of this because I knew she was missing me and had to be strong for her.  And this morning, I realized something.  That's a bunch of bullshit.  Why can't I miss her too?  Why do I have to be satisfied with 8 weeks apart and not seeing her?  Why do I have to be content with 3 phone calls a week and hardly any other time in between?  I don't and I won't.  I want and need more, and that's okay.  In fact that's great.

I know I am on a mission.  I have been on this mission with FOCUS for nearly a year and a half.  It started in Omaha, NE and will finish in Greeley, CO.  I have learned so much about evangelization and the Church, but more importantly, I've learned a ton about myself.  I went through a dating fast that tested me in ways I never expected, but came out of it, knowing that my vocation was to be a husband and father, and now I have the awesome opportunity of pursuing that.  It's hard.  Sometimes I look at other couples at mass or just on campus, and think to myself, "Wow, those two have no idea how lucky they are."  And it's true. Sometimes I get a little jealous.  Is that a bad thing?  Maybe.  All I know is that I am pursuing my vocation and at times, not doing a very good job of it.

In FOCUS, we talk all the time about vocations, and that's what our business is; helping students figure out what they're called to and following it with passion.  So why can't I do the same?  I know my vocation.  I think I have the right girl.  So why can't I chase after it with all I've got?  I am going to stop playing everything off as if it's okay.  I send a weekly email to my mission partners with nothing but cheery smiles and happiness.  I send out newsletters with the same stuff.  When my parents ask how things are going, it's always great.  That's a lie.  Things aren't always great. Our ministry is struggling.  We are having a hard time getting more guys involved, which is a problem since we have a lot graduating this year.  We struggle getting people to events.  And most importantly, the girl that I am choosing to love with all my heart isn't getting what she deserves.

So from this day forward, I'm making a resolution.  First, I am going to bust my ass doing everything I can for the mission, for the kingdom, and for UNC. I get paid to be here and work for God. I get to be His hands and feet and that is something that I cannot and will not take for granted.  But secondly, and most importantly, I'm focusing on me.  I will still strive to get my 50 point week filled, and still try and reach as many students as possible.  But if I'm having a bad day, or really miss Courtney, I'm making that my first priority.  I know and have learned throughout these last 3 months that when that relationship is lacking, my mission lacks.  My head just isn't in it. The pursuit of my vocation takes priority over the mission, and that's the way it should be.  We are all called to holiness, and to find that through the big V, and currently, I am not doing that as best as I can.

Vulnerable.  That is being vulnerable.  Putting myself and my thoughts and desires out there for others to read.  And I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but rejoicing in the gift that God gave me this morning in that grace.  I get to rejoice in my lowliness and praise God for a gift I didn't earn or even deserve.  And like I said, this blog is for me.  If you read this and it helped you...great.  That makes me happy.  If you read it, and didn't take anything from it...great.  I thank you for reading.  I thank you for sharing in my vulnerability.  And the last thing I want to say, is that this post may seem sad or depressing, but I assure you that it is not.  I rejoice in this fact because now I get to work on it. Jesus has placed another challenge in life, and the best part of realizing this is that now I get to start working to do better.  That's what we all really live for.  We find the bumps and get over them.  We find the rough patches and smooth them out.  And by the grace of God, we get better.  We move forward.  We grow in holiness.  Isn't that what all of this is about anyway???

In Christ,

Josh

P.S. Courtney, if you're reading this, I love you and miss you very much. 4 more weeks!

Writer's Block in the Chapel

Writer's Block.  I have it right now...badly.  I try my best to keep this blog up to date and make sure that I post every week.  It's actually one of my goals for the semester.  Lofty I know.  But as I sit here, thinking about what I want to write, and not getting anything, it reminds me of something...my prayer life.  For the last few weeks, it feels as if I have had writer's block in prayer.  And after Father's homily last night, I think I may know why.

In prayer, it gets so easy to see God as the 911 number.  And what I mean by this, is that we only go to Him when we need something.  We see God as someone that only answers prayers when we really need Him, and then we just go away.  And when the prayer doesn't get answered in the timely fashion we desire, we get upset, or start to lose a little bit of faith.  And slowly, that will actually destroy our relationship with God.

So what happens when we ask for something?  God can either say yes, say no, or wait.  So say you ask for God to give you a door for a new contact on your mission; you know someone to chat up and talk to about the faith.  And hours later, that happens.  Great!  Now don't stop there.  Go thank Him for the gift and give Him the praise that he so deserves for opening that door.

What if God says no.  I will use the same analogy Father used last night at mass.  Say you're back in your grade school days and you get home from school and you want a snack.  You call to your mom, "Hey mom, get me a snack!"  A half hour goes by...nothing.  You call to her again.  "Hey mom, get me a snack."  Another half hour goes by...nothing.  You now realize that your mom has denied your request.  But the thing is, it wasn't even a request.  It was a demand.  Just like your mother, God won't answer a command.  You need to make an ask, and even then, God may say no.  But why would He say no?  He loves you with all He has right?

Exactly.  God loves you more than your mother, your father, or even your significant other.  And with that being said, God knows what you need and don't need better than any of them and definitely better than yourself.  So what you may be asking for is not what God desires.  It may not be the best thing for you right now.  And when that happens, you have to evaluate what you are asking for, and ask God what He wants for you.  And if He gives you the grace to know what that is, then the next step is to ask for that, and God will certainly answer your prayer.

The last response that God can give you is silence.  This may be a tricky one.  You're asking for something and you feel as if you really need it, but you are just not hearing anything back.  God may be speaking but you may be too far away to hear it.  God desires so much more from you than just to answer your prayers.  He desires a relationship. There may be things you need and God wants to give them to you.  However, if you aren't close enough to Him, you won't hear Him.

That may sound like a terrible thing.  "Oh no, I am so far from God that I can't hear Him.  What am I going to do?!?!"  The answer to that question is to keep praying.  Because while you may be too far from God, I can assure you that He is never too far away from you.  You may have walls up that keep you from God, but God can see right through all those walls and directly into your heart.  Keep praying.  Keep asking God to show you exactly what walls need to be torn down, and then ask for the help to actually tear them down.  It won't be easy and it will take time, but it will bear fruit and you will draw closer to God.

I type this out so I can remember this myself.  I have my walls, and at times I am way too stubborn to ask God to help me tear them down.  I need to remind myself at times (and really all the time) that I can't do it by myself.  If I desire to truly draw closer to God, I have to put my pride in my pocket, and make the effort to ask Him for the help that I so desperately need.  So, if this helped you at all in any way, I would love to hear about it and help you in your own prayer.  I'm not perfect so I ask you to also pray for me.  Who knows? Maybe you'll ask for the one thing that I'm not, but the one thing that I really need.

In Christ,

Josh

Kid 'n' Play

Kid 'n' Play was a hip hop duo in the late 80's and early 90's best know for their killer beats and of course the high flat top fade that was worn by one of the members.  But this post isn't about that.  Sorry to all fans of Kid 'n' Play.  Are there still any left out there???  Anyway, today I will be talking about the childlike faith that is needed to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

I was praying today with the Gospel, Matthew 18: 1-5,10, and it dawned on me that for the most part, I don't fit the description.  Jesus talks about having a childlike faith.  What does this mean?  Well, let's put it in a more human tone.  Little kids, when dad leaves home for work or wherever, are right there to wish him a good day and to show love.  It's the same when they get back.  So, how does this apply to the church?  Ask a 40 year old and a 4 year old what the Eucharist is.  You may get the same response, "it's Jesus."  But then ask them how.  How does that happen?  From the 40 year old, you get this, "Well through transubstantiation, Jesus comes down from Heaven and...well you know the rest."  From the 4 year old, here is what you get. "Jesus flies down from Heaven on his magic carpet, and because He loves us so much he shrinks himself down so much that he fits in a tiny piece of bread.  Then we get to eat it!"  Yeah, which one sounds better?  The 4 year old of course!

But why is that?  The difference between the 4 year old and the 40 year old is that the 40 year old believes while the 4 year old knows.  There really is a big difference in the two.  When you only believe in something, there is the possibility for doubt to creep in.  You start thinking to yourself if it is really true and then you start second guessing yourself and the church. But when you know, there is no room for doubt.  Another example: say you're in math class and taking a test.  If you only believe you know the answer, you have that feeling of whether your answer is right or wrong.  And that confusion may lead you to put down the wrong answer, even if in your heart, you thought your first answer was correct (trust me I've done this many times).  But if you know the right answer, then you will have no chance of putting down the wrong answer.  You will be absolutely certain that you are correct.

We have to be the same way with our faith.  So often, we hear something at mass or in a Bible study and think to ourselves, "is that really true?"  We struggle with taking things at face value.  We know that we are hearing truth, but as we get older we learn more and more, and we let that knowledge get in the way of true love for Jesus and his church.  Kids on the other hand, do not have the knowledge that we have as adults and when they hear something from a teacher or adult that they trust, they take it as face value.  They don't have anything else to get in the way.  And that is beautiful.

Be a kid.  In today's world we get so caught up in growing up that we forget to live in the present and we don't take the time to really appreciate what Jesus has and continues to give us.  We are constantly searching for the next thing, whether it be school or job or home or spouse, and we forget the one thing that stays constant and unchanging: Jesus.  Run to him like a child to his father and know that you are loved.

In Christ,
Josh

[Also, major thanks to all that have viewed or read this blog.  It's something that I do entirely for me, because I hate journaling and actually writing on paper, but the fact that you guys follow it and read it is really humbling.  Last week I had the most views on any post by far, and to see that was incredible.  So big thanks to you guys, and if you ever want me to write on a particular topic, please comment or let me know and I would be happy to give it my best.  Thanks again!!!]

My First Month Failure

One month into the new school year.  Outreach is still in full swing.  The multiple events that were held are over, and now it's time to start building up these students. Let's get them into Bible studies and let's start filling them up with the love of Christ.  Great!  I had my first study last week and I was beyond excited.  I was finally getting to the part of my mission that I'm good at...the teaching aspect.  I was finally going to be able to take 5 guys under my wing and lead them to Christ.  Then Wednesday came and only one guy showed up...

WHY?

Here is why only one of my contacts came.  I wasn't being relational.  Out of the 25 names on my list, I had only met a couple of them, and even when I was contacting them, it wasn't to hang out or go play basketball or grab lunch.  I was making the calls and without ever really knowing these guys, I was already inviting them into study.  I was going straight to the BUILD stage without ever winning them over.  I was assuming that the students had already been won over by a game of ultimate frisbee or life-size Mario Kart (yeah that actually happened), but they weren't.  Those events were just the first steps.  The winning process takes time and is vital to any ministry.

THE KEY POINT

I don't know about girls, but with guys trust is a huge thing.  In a Bible study, the men are asked to open up and share their thoughts and ideas on not only a particular subject within scripture, but are also asked to open up about their own lives, their own shortcomings and failures, and that can be really tough for guys.  We have this idea that we have to be closed up and can't let our true feelings show in order to be manly, but that is just the opposite. We have to be willing to open up to our fellow men if we ever want to become the men God wants us to be.  However, that isn't something that just happens immediately.  Like I said, it's tough for guys to do that.  So what do we do?  We must be relational with these men.  Hang out with them.  If a guy wants to be a gym rat and work out all day, go do it.  If you have a guy that loves music and just wants to chill in the dorm listening to Kayne (or whatever kids listen to these days) do it!  It may not be something you enjoy doing, but that is how you build that trust. And it is no overnight process.  It will take time and a ton of patience, but for your ministry to be the most fruitful, patience is needed to gain that trust.

I learned this the hard way this year.  I tried to cut some corners and go to the build without the win.  It didn't work.  And to be real honest, I'm not surprised.  I know that I wouldn't go to a study with someone I didn't know, let alone somebody I've never even met. So, if you can learn something from my failure in the first month of the year, it's this: be relational.  The WIN is just as key as the build in the sense that if you don't win a particular student over, you won't get the chance to build him/her up.  Take time getting to know these students inside and out before you try and fill them with Jesus.  It can be uncomfortable and awkward, but isn't eternity worth the awkwardness?

In Christ,

Josh

A New Hope

OK, so to start off, this post isn't about Star Wars, but if that is all you were looking for, please don't leave.  Please???

It's the start of a new year.  My first year as a missionary is finally in the books, and I have moved onto a new campus, a new state, and a new Josh.  I will be serving this school year in Greeley at the University of Northern Colorado.  Tear em up Bears!  (Am I doing that right???)  Anyway, I just wanted to write today in an attempt to shake off the cobwebs from the summer and to gear up for the new year.

Welcome Week is almost over and while I was busy with meetings, nightly events, and a long two weeks, I was able to really look at the past year and evaluate my first campaign as a missionary.  If I had one word to describe the last year, it would be...struggle.  But this is not a bad thing.  I struggled in many areas, and all of those struggles have led me to the humbling realization that I am nowhere near perfect and that I have a lot of work to do.  That could be a lot of pressure, but you know what I say to that?  Bring it on.  I learned so much from those struggles and found out things about myself that I never knew or thought were in the past.  Today, I just want to share two of those with you and how they will be a springboard for my next term as a missionary.

First, and foremost, is my own personal holiness.  In FOCUS we constantly push the Big 3 (chastity, sobriety, and excellence) and last year I failed miserably in all three. While I won't go into detail about them, I will say that each area was a stumbling block for me in my first year.  And when I failed, I pulled away from God.  I did not want to pray, and kept myself distant from God.  I went to mass, but was never really into it.  I was embarrassed and was full of self-hating thoughts about how I was not good enough or that I should not be a missionary.  Yeah, not typical things you hear from a missionary, but hey why not get them out into the open?

But what did I learn from all of this?  I learned that I wasn't telling God anything!  I kept all my thoughts, feelings, and desires from Him and therefore did not let the divine physician come in with His scalpel and...other medical tools (I don't know, I'm not a doctor) and let him do work.  Jesus not only wants us at our best, but even more he wants us at our worst.  And last year, I kept him from those places so often, that I was rarely able to give Him my best.  This year, I hope to lay all of my struggles out on the table with Jesus and let him take care of them all, and I invite you to do the same.  Felling crappy?  Not able to get over the hump and move forward from a particular sin?  Give it to Jesus...and I mean really give it to Jesus.  None of this ho-hum, "yeah Jesus I guess you can work on this if you want..."  No!  Let go of it and let the Son of God take over.

Next, the mission.  Now, those of you that know me, know that I am an introvert and outreach can be one of the toughest things for me.  Jesus gave me a great gift to teach and I'm great at that, but when it comes to outreach...well let's just say I can get pretty awkward.  Last fall, I did not let myself really let go and put myself out there in order to save souls.  And I suffered.  I was only able to reach a small number of students and while I love them to pieces, I missed a ton of people and I will have to answer for that. Students at UNO missed an opportunity to be evangelized and to know Jesus because I was too afraid of failure.  That cannot happen.

Here is the learning point.  I've heard it so many times in the last year, but yes eternity is worth the awkwardness.  Not just my eternity, but the salvation of those around me.  It may be tough for me to walk up to someone I don't know and start a conversation, but hey, maybe that person has no idea who Jesus is, and when he finally meets him, the person becomes the next pope. A stretch? Maybe.  But you will never know if don't put yourself out there.  And if the person thinks you're crazy and dismisses the idea of the Catholic Church as a whole...well at least you can say you tried and that burden does not have to weigh on your shoulders.  So this year, I am making a resolution to put myself out there even if I just end up standing there with my hands in pockets like a goof.

A new hope.  Feels good.  Last year is behind me and all of the struggles, mistakes, and poor decisions are in the past.  That's the beauty of the church.  When we fail, we get a new start.  Jesus loves us so much that every single time we move in the wrong direction, he forgives us and we get to get back on the right track.  But it is not enough, just to seek forgiveness. We must seek holiness. We must seek sanctity.  We must seek perfection.  None of us deserve Heaven but what we can rely on is the mercy and goodness of Our Lord to get us over the roadblocks that lie in wait.  Don't let your past define you. You're better than that.

In Christ,
Josh

Wendy Davis, You are No Hero

So for those of you that are not informed of what has taken place in Texas, let me update you quickly.  A bill was introduced to the Texas Senate that would have banned abortions after 20 weeks and would have most likely closed a large majority of the abortion mills in the state.  Senator Wendy Davis attempted to filibuster the bill but after three times going off topic, her efforts were finished.  However, her cohorts in the Senate continued to argue with parliamentary inquiries until they were blue in the face.  After those were put to rest, the crowd (that never should be allowed in the room in the first place) cheered until the time ran out and the bill was taken off the table.  Another loss for the pro-life groups across the country.

I stayed up until nearly 1:30 Eastern time watching, thinking about, and praying for this bill to pass.  And I have to say that I was rather disgusted at what took place.  I understand that people are misinformed and do not really know what they are cheering/voting for so let me fill those people in: you are cheering for death.  When those men and women in the chamber room were cheering and chanting for Wendy and her friends, they were cheering for the deaths of tens and hundreds of thousands of innocent children.  There is no other way to look at it. Abortion is murder whether it is in the 20th week or in the first day, and those that opposed the bill are explicitly voicing their opinions that this is okay.  America had a great opportunity last night to take a step in the right direction after so many were taken backwards and they failed.  They did not fail us as citizens, but they failed the many many lives that will be taken before they even get a chance to breathe their first breaths of the air that fill this great country.

With this filibuster and with today's news that DOMA was ruled unconstitutional and Prop 8 was taken off the table, I get very upset at where this country is headed.  We have people, possibly your next door neighbors, that are completely fine with not only being responsible for the murder of children, but for the breakdown of the family as a whole.  It may not be entirely their fault though.  The mainstream media and those that we call "celebrities" are all in favor of the culture of death and fill our heads with this junk every single day.  It's a miracle that we all are not in favor of this garbage.  And that gives me hope.  I know that God knows what He is doing.  He has a plan that is bigger than one court ruling in one state in country in the entire world.  It just gets very hard to trust sometimes, and the fact that this culture is so hell bent on death does not make it any easier.  However, as Christians we need to fully place our trust in God that something good will come of this.

Right is right even if nobody is doing it, and wrong is wrong even if everybody is doing it.  And maybe I will ruffle some feathers by saying this but I believe it needs to be said.  Wendy Davis and those that are in favor of the murder and absolute destruction of babies are wrong and should not be happy about what they accomplished.  Ms. Davis you are no hero even though you are being praised as a God by those that do not even believe in a higher power.  And I continue to pray for those that are still waiting to be told the truth and take ownership of that.  Our country right now is afraid of responsibility, afraid of accountability, and afraid of the truth.  But my trust is in God who never fails, who is always accountable, who is always loving, and holds me to the same standards.

So to sum up my rant here, I just have to say that while I am disappointed in what took place over the last 12 hours, I still have a lot of hope.  I have a lot of hope that good will come of this.  And to my pro-life brothers and sisters that may not totally agree with some of the things that I am saying, I apologize.  But please know that I am putting my trust and my faith in God and not in our government.  When push comes to shove, know that I will be standing with you arm in arm dying in a prison before I take the life of one innocent child so that my life can be convenient and comfortable.  Peace.

In Christ,

Josh

Sufferin Succotash!

Suffering: it sucks.  We all experience suffering in some way.  Some of us deal with financial difficulties, problems with a terrible boss at work, or maybe you have been searching for that one person in the world that is going to the be the Juliet to your Romeo or vice versa.  Whatever the case may be, we all go through some sort of suffering in our lives.  And from this, we can go two directions.  We can let it rule our lives and make us miserable, or we can tackle it head on...but not in the way that you would think.

Psalm 37 asks the question, "Why do the wicked prosper and the good suffer?"  Good question.  In our present day society, we see many examples of the wicked prospering while we sit in our suffering.  That jerk in accounting just got a raise, while you bust your hump and get nothing.  Or the captain of the football team gets another award and praised by the whole school while you get a 4.0 and still nobody knows who you are.  These are all "first world" examples of suffering, but let's take a look at what this Psalm tells us about true suffering.  God tells us that we have to "wait for him" (Psalm 37:7).  I don't want to wait.  "The poor will inherit the earth" (37:11).  I sure as heck don't want to be poor.  "The righteous one is generous and gives" (37:21).  I want to keep my stuff.  And the good "may stumble" (37:23).  Yeah, I want to stand upright on my feet.  All these things are going to happen to those who strive for righteousness.  It is inevitable.  But, it is what we do with this suffering that truly matters.

Picture a timeline.  This timeline reaches from the beginning of the world, to the very end.  OK got it?  Now, try and find your short lifespan on there.  You can't.  The time we have here on earth is so minute that you would never be able to place it on a timeline.  So, as a human being, I should probably make good with the time that I have.  There are a ton of good things we can do in our time, but today we continue with the theme of suffering.  What can I do with my suffering that will make an impact?  This may sound obvious and trivial, but offer it up!  And there are so many things for which you can offer your suffering.  It could be for drought or the end to abortion or for the wars all over the world.  OR...or you could offer it up for that guy who got the raise in accounting.  OR...or you could offer it up for that football player that got all the recognition.  If it is the wicked that are prospering and receiving all the praise and glory, then they probably could use those prayers and there is nothing more honorable on this earth than to suffer for the kingdom of God and His people...all of His people.

We all suffer.  Now, the suffering that we experience in this lifetime is nothing like the hardships that Peter and the rest of the apostles went through.  I can walk down the street proclaiming that I am a Christian to anyone and yeah, I might get some strange looks, but my life is never in danger.  Some of you reading this may have never had to face any real suffering.  I know I sure didn't when I was younger.  Things came easy to me.  I got good grades and was halfway decent at throwing a baseball and had a good group of friends around me.  But in an instant all that can be taken away, and what remains is the opportunity to build a relationship with God.  Take that opportunity!  If we just let our problems sit on the skin instead of offering them up to the divine healer, they eventually will get infected.  And after that, the infection starts to spread and impact other parts of your body.  We cannot let that happen to our souls.  They are far too precious and important to let anything happen to them.  So we need to stop trying to save our own souls and fix our own problems and let Jesus do it.  He's better at it anyway.

In Christ,
Josh